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Post by Jimmy Carr on Feb 20, 2009 13:37:33 GMT
Has anyone else seen those incredibly powerful advertisements in cinemas where each time a famous person clicked their fingers, an African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"
In the pursuit of scientific answers, animals have been tortured for the past 100 years. They're still not talking. I'm starting to think they don't know anything.
If we are all God's children, what's so special about Jesus?
A dog is for life not just for Christmas, so be careful at the next office Christmas party.
I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
If you tell a girl you like her but she says "I love you more like a brother", suggest a weekend in Girvan. Unless you're from Girvan, in which case it probably is your sister.
I said to my girlfriend, you shouldn't eat before you swim. She said, "why not"? I said, you look fat.
My mum told me the best time to ask my dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I'd ever been given. I burst in through the bedroom door saying "Can I have a new bike?". He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.
I was born in Irvine in the early 70's, if you want to know what Irvine was like in the early 70's, go there now.
Cats have nine lives. Makes them ideal for experimentation.
When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
Once I was doing a sponsored run. In the end I managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
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Post by Jimmy Carr on Mar 4, 2009 16:51:31 GMT
A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night to meet, and have dinner with her parents.
Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfrien that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
The boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex. At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or Family pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house and meets his girlfriend at the door. 'Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,come on in!'
The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers to say grace and bows his head. A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer, with his head down. 10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy. Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the Boyfriend, 'I had no idea you were this religious.'
The boy turns, and whispers back, 'I had no idea your Father was a pharmacist.'
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Post by Jimmy Carr on Mar 17, 2009 9:16:43 GMT
A man is waiting for his wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the son is now old enough for his first drink. Dad takes him to the bar, tearfully tells the son he is proud of him and orders up the biggest, strongest drink for his boy. With all the bar patrons looking on curiously and the bartender shaking his head in disbelief, the boy takes his first sip of alcohol. Swoooosh! Plop!! A torso pops out! The bar is dead silent; then bursts into whoops of joy. The father, shocked, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant 'Take another drink!' The bartender continues to shake his head in dismay . Swoooosh! Plip! Plop!! Two arms pop out. The bar goes wild The father, crying and wailing, begs his son to drink again. The patrons chant, ' Take another drink! Take another drink!!' The bartender ignores the whole affair and goes back to polishing glasses, shaking his head, clearly unimpressed by the amazing scenes. By now the boy is getting tipsy, but with his new hands he reaches down, grabs his drink and guzzles the last of it. Plop! Plip!! Two legs pop out. The bar is in chaos. The father falls to his knees and tearfully thanks God. The boy stands up on his new legs! and stumbles to the left then staggers to the right through the front door, into the street, where a truck runs over him and kills him instantly. The bar falls silent. The father moans in grief . The bartender sighs and says,
'He should've quit while he was a head!
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Post by Jimmy Carr on Mar 24, 2009 13:15:57 GMT
The Pasta Diet and Your Health
ITALIAN PASTA DIET -- IT REALLY WORKS !!
1.. You walk pasta da bakery.
2.. You walka pasta da candy store.
3.. You walka pasta da Ice Cream shop.
4.. You walka pasta da table and fridge.
You will lose weight!
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Post by Jimmy Carr on Apr 21, 2009 7:03:06 GMT
I was in the pub the other day and some guy tried to sell me 8 legs of Venison for £40. He told me that was cheap but I thought it might be "too dear" .
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Tim
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by Tim on May 11, 2009 13:19:26 GMT
Not a joke as such but made me laugh. (Probably very old).
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Groundkeepers Wifie
Guest
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Post by Groundkeepers Wifie on Jun 2, 2009 14:50:14 GMT
I had lunch with 2 of my unmarried friends. One is engaged, one is a mistress, and of course I have been married for 20+ years. We were chatting about our relationships and decided to amaze our men by wearing a black leather bodice, stiletto heels and a mask over our eyes. We agreed to meet In a few days to exchange notes. Here's how it all went.
My engaged friend: The other night my boyfriend came over and found me with a black leather Bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, 'You are the woman of my dreams. I love you.' Then we had passionate love.
The mistress: Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the leather bodice, heels and mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn't say a word, but we made love all night long.
Then I had to share my story: When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said, "What's for dinner, Batman?"
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Post by Frankie Boyle on Jul 3, 2009 8:42:02 GMT
GORDON BROWN was visiting a Scottish primary school and he visited one of the classes.
They were in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asked Mr. Brown if he would like to lead the discussion on the word 'tragedy'.
So the illustrious leader asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'.
A little boy stood up and offered: 'If ma best freen, wha lives on a fairm, is playin' in the field an' a tractor rins ower him and kills him, that wid be a 'tragedy.' '
'No', said Gordon - 'that would be an accident.'
A little girl raised her hand: 'If a skale bus kerryin' fufty children drove ower a cliff, killing a'b'dy inside, that wid be a tragedy'
'I'm afraid not', explained Gordon - 'that's what we would call a 'great loss'' .
The room went silent. No other children volunteered. Gordon searched the room.
'Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?'
Finally, at the back of the room, wee Johnny raised his hand...
In a quiet voice he said:
'If a plane kerryin' you and Mr. Darlin' wis struck by a 'freendly fire' missile & blawn tae smithereens, that wid be a tragedy.'
'Fantastic!' exclaimed Gordon. 'That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?'
'Weel,' says wee Johnny 'it his tae be a tragedy, because it certainly widnae be a great loss..... and it probably widnae be a f***ing accident either
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Sunbed Athlete
Official Race Reporter
Glasgow Half Marathon Official Womens race pacemaker.
Posts: 175
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Post by Sunbed Athlete on Oct 7, 2009 18:51:22 GMT
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Post by anon on Oct 12, 2009 13:43:14 GMT
Patient: Doctor doctor, I've found a bit of dried fruit stuck up my bum!
Doctor: Hmmm... I think you've been date raped.
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The Vicar of Dibley
Guest
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Post by The Vicar of Dibley on Oct 22, 2009 12:00:48 GMT
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class.. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?'
When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear.
'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.
A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?'
But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt.
'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie.
And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.
The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'
Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that d**n thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!'
The nun fainted.
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Sunbed Athlete
Official Race Reporter
Glasgow Half Marathon Official Womens race pacemaker.
Posts: 175
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Post by Sunbed Athlete on Oct 28, 2009 19:47:01 GMT
Does anyone know how to cancel a bid on ebay? Ive bid for a Mickey Mouse outfit for Halloween & now im 6 mins away from owing Rangers
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Sunbed Athlete
Official Race Reporter
Glasgow Half Marathon Official Womens race pacemaker.
Posts: 175
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Post by Sunbed Athlete on Oct 28, 2009 19:50:39 GMT
Rangers fans new song; Oh no hope or loans,No money to gladden ur eyes,No help from the bank Walters a w**k,You'll be closed by the 12th of July....All together now Oh no........
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Post by Not Really A Joke on Oct 29, 2009 16:44:26 GMT
This letter was sent to the Lions Bay School Principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for seniors.
An elderly lady received a new radio at the lunch as a door prize and was writing to say thank you.
This story is a credit to all humankind.
Forward to anyone you know who might need a lift today
Dear Lions Bay School ,
God bless you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent Senior Citizens luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the West Vancouver Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. I am all alone and I want to thank you for the kindness shown to a forgotten old lady. My room-mate is 95 and has always had her own radio; but before I received one, she would never let me listen to hers, even when she was napping.
The other day her radio fell off the night stand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine and I told her to f**k off.
Thank you for that opportunity.
Sincerely,
Edna
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Post by Jimmy Carr on Nov 3, 2009 9:58:23 GMT
Program...very effective!
A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.
The next day, there's a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19 year old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.
She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company.
The sign reads, 'If you can catch me, you can have me.'
Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up.
The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens. On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised. He calls the company and orders their 5-day/20 pound program. The next day there's a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, 'If you catch me you can have me'.
Well, he's out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and he does his best, but no such luck. So for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.
Much to his delight on the fifth day when he weighs himself, he discovers that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day/50 pound program 'Are you sure?' asks the representative on the phone. 'This is our most rigorous program.'
'Absolutely,' he replies, 'I haven't felt this good in years.' The next day there's a knock at the door; and when he opens it he finds a huge muscular guy standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, 'If I catch you, you're mine'
He lost 63 pounds that week.
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