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Post by ConnellD on Apr 12, 2007 7:09:34 GMT
Someone at work said to me "So you think you're a comedian?" and although I would like to be, I'm sort of lacking material For this reason, I looking for the "World Worst Jokes". It can be anything, but nae dirties. I'll start it off.... I Say, I Say, I Say Q. Why Did the hedgehog cross the road? A. To meet his FLAT mate.
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Sunbed Athlete
Official Race Reporter
Glasgow Half Marathon Official Womens race pacemaker.
Posts: 175
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Post by Sunbed Athlete on Apr 12, 2007 10:01:51 GMT
Hey heres another 1 for you. What bee gives you milk??? answer a Boobee
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Post by ConnellD on Apr 12, 2007 11:42:58 GMT
I Say, I Say, I Say
Q. How do you know policemen are strong? A. Because they can hold up traffic.
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Post by Kevan on Apr 12, 2007 13:33:54 GMT
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Post by Kevan on Apr 12, 2007 13:36:53 GMT
A blonde shows a £10 noteto her boyfriend. -I got this by climbing a tree. -What? -A guy told me he would give it to me if I climbed the tree. -Come on! He did it to get a look at your underwear from underneath your skirt.
Next day... She shows another £10 note to her boyfriend. -I got this by climbing a tree again. -I told you! He did it to get a look at your underwear. -I know! But this time he couldn't have seen it. -Why? -I didn't wear any.
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Post by ConnellD on Apr 12, 2007 16:58:24 GMT
I Say, I Say, I Say, Q. What's Mary short for? A. She's got no legs.
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KillieBoy
Winner of who am I? game & Comedy Legend
It's all in the shorts
Posts: 302
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Post by KillieBoy on Apr 12, 2007 22:03:26 GMT
a guy is in a pub with his mate but is too skint to buy a round so says to his mate-"can i tap you for a fiver" his mate replies "for a fiver you can punch me on the nose"
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KillieBoy
Winner of who am I? game & Comedy Legend
It's all in the shorts
Posts: 302
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Post by KillieBoy on Apr 12, 2007 22:04:33 GMT
a woman is walking her dogs when a guy asks her if those wee dogs are jack russells the woman says no they're mine
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Post by ConnellD on Apr 12, 2007 22:12:20 GMT
Q. How do you make anti-freeze? A. Take away her blanket.
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KillieBoy
Winner of who am I? game & Comedy Legend
It's all in the shorts
Posts: 302
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Post by KillieBoy on Apr 12, 2007 22:22:32 GMT
what do you call the boy wizard when he has a cold....Harry Snotter
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Post by 6PAK on Apr 13, 2007 8:30:51 GMT
BLONDE JOKE A young brunette goes into the doctor's office and says that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
"Impossible," says the doctor. "Show me."
She takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. She pushes her knee and screams, pushes her ankle and screams. Everywhere she touches makes her scream.
The doctor says, "You're not really a brunette, are you?"
The girl says "No, I'm really a blonde".
"I thought so," the doctor says. "You have a broken finger."
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Post by 6PAK on Apr 13, 2007 8:32:27 GMT
1. Phone answering machine message - "...If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key..."
2. A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts."
3. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.
4. I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high."
5. My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. A strong currant pulled him in.
6. A man came round in hospital after a serious accident. He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!" The doctor replied, "I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".
7. I went to a seafood disco last week...and pulled a muscle.
8. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. They lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.
9. Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered with hundreds and thousands. Police say that he topped himself.
10. Man goes to the doctor, with a strawberry growing out of his head. Doc says "I'll give you some cream to put on it."
11. "Doc I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home." "That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome. " "Is it common? " "It's not unusual."
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Post by 6PAK on Apr 13, 2007 8:33:50 GMT
12. A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. "My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? " "Well," says the vet, "let's have a look at him" So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed? " "No, because he's really heavy"
13. Guy goes into the doctor's. "Doc, I've got a cricket ball stuck up my backside." "How's that?" "Don't you start."
14. Two elephants walk off a cliff...boom, boom!
15. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.
16. So I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me "Can you give me a lift?" I said "Sure, you look great, the world's your oyster, go for it.'
17. Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. There are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin. Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.
18. Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.
19. "You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen. It said, 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice."
20. A man walked into the doctors, he said, "I've hurt my arm in several places" The doctor said, "Well don't go there any more"
21. Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married. The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.
23. What's brown and sounds like a bell? 'DUNG'
24. "So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?' And a voice said 'You are.'"
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Post by Kevan on Apr 13, 2007 9:03:21 GMT
What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife? 45 lbs.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 mins. What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Sexual Harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? £3.99 a minute.
What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme? Humpme Dumpme. How many men does it take to change a light bulb? None, they just sit there in the dark and complain. What's the fastest way to a man's heart? Through his chest with a sharp knife. Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends. What is a man's view of safe sex? A padded headboard. How do men sort their laundry? Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable" What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you. What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.
What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever. Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony? The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen doughnuts.
Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony? The woman who ate the last doughnut. What is the difference between a battery and a man? A battery has a positive side. Do you know the punishment for bigamy? Two mothers-in-law. What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence? Divorced.
Marriage is a 3-ring circus: Engagement Ring Wedding Ring Suffering
Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, "Dust!"
In the beginning, God created the earth and rested. Then God created Man and rested. Then God created Woman. Since then, neither God nor Man has rested.
A beggar walked up to a well-dressed woman shopping on Rodeo Drive and said, "I haven't eaten anything in four days." She looked at him and said, "God, I wish I had your willpower."
Young Son: "Is it true, Dad, I heard that in some parts of Africa a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?" Dad: "That happens in every country, son."
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Post by ConnellD on Apr 13, 2007 17:39:46 GMT
What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.
What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.
Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.
Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.
What do fish say when they hit a concrete wall? Dam!
Why don't blind people like to sky dive? Because it scares the hell out of their guide dog.
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