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Post by Frankie Boyle on May 15, 2008 9:15:43 GMT
Q. What's the Difference between Ronhill Cambuslang and Rangers? A. Ronhill Cambuslang won a prize last night for being the winning team .
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Post by ConnellD on May 22, 2008 13:32:35 GMT
I walked into a public toilet where I found two cubicles, of which one was already occupied. So I entered the other one, closed the door, Dropped my trousers and sat down. A voice came from the cubicle next to me: 'Hello mate, how are you going?' I thought it a bit strange but not wanting to be rude I replied 'Yeah, not too bad thanks.' After a short pause, I heard the voice again 'So, what are you up to mate?' Again I answered, somewhat reluctantly it must be said. Unsure what to say, I replied 'Umm, just having a quick poo... How about yourself?' I then heard the voice for the third time ...... 'Sorry mate, I'll have to call you back . I've got some Idiot in the loo next to me answering everything I say.'
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Post by Frankie Carson on May 23, 2008 17:12:40 GMT
I fancied a game of darts with my mate. He said, 'Nearest the bull goes first' He went 'Baah' and I went 'Moo' He said 'You're closest'
Ha ha, it's a cracker!!!
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Kirkcudbright Shower man
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Post by Kirkcudbright Shower man on May 28, 2008 11:45:23 GMT
Nae such a joke but funny in my book. TT Boabee walks into the showers after the Kirkcudbright Half Marathon with shampoo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Doubt he must have had someone elses shower bag keep clean boys!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Post by ConnellD on Jul 3, 2008 14:20:26 GMT
A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts 'this is a raid - everyone get on the floor!!', and proceeds to empty the cash drawers.
As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts.. 'Did anybody else here see my face?'.
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
'Did anybody else see my face?' he shouts again, waving his gun around. There is silence for a few seconds before a male Scouse voice is heard from a distant corner..
'I think my missus caught a glimpse....'
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Post by Frankie Boyle on Jul 14, 2008 13:47:44 GMT
A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter
'What are you doing?' she asked.
'Hunting flies' he responded.
'Oh! Killing any?' she asked.
'Yep, 3 males, 2 females,' he replied.
Intrigued, she asked. ‘How can you tell them apart?’
He responded: ‘3 were on a beer can and 2 were on the phone’
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Post by Frank Carson on Aug 5, 2008 6:28:27 GMT
Here's One. Ha ha, It's a cracker ;D, An Irish Man walks into a fishmonger's with a rainbow trout under his arm. Goes up the counter and says "Hello. Do you do fishcakes?" "Of course we do" replies the guy behind the counter. "Oh good, can you knock one up for him," pointing at the trout, "it's his birthday." It's the way I tell them .
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Post by Teacher on Sept 9, 2008 14:33:19 GMT
The only reason I would took up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again
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Post by Teachers Pet on Sept 9, 2008 15:47:37 GMT
The only reason I would took up jogging is so I could hear heavy breathing again The Title should be changed to "Worlds Worst English ..." Did you not say you were a teacher ?
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Post by Teacher on Sept 10, 2008 8:14:28 GMT
Well noticed WEE MAN,
Just testing your English skills,
Teacher xx
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Post by Teachers Pet on Sept 10, 2008 12:03:02 GMT
Well noticed WEE MAN, Just testing your English skills, Teacher xx So that's the teacher giving the teacher's pet to kisses (xx). Is there not laws against that? . "Hey, teacher, leave those kids alone!" ;D Mind you, I've always admired the older woman .
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Post by ConnellD on Sept 26, 2008 12:31:30 GMT
A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat. Naturally, the Doctor asked him, 'What happened to YOU?' 'Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle. We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end.' 'I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's back side. Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife, 'Hey, this looks like yours!'' 'I don't remember much after that'
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Post by ConnellD on Sept 30, 2008 12:05:00 GMT
An elderly couple were attending a church service.
About halfway through, she leaned over and whispered to her husband,
'I just let out a long silent fart. What do you think I should do?
He replied, 'Put a new battery in your hearing aid.'
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Post by Frankie Carson on Oct 17, 2008 22:22:04 GMT
Man goes to doctor with a hearing problem, doctor says ''can you describe the symptoms?'' man says ''Homer's a bit fat and Marge has blue hair''
Ha ha, It's thi way ay tell 'em
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Post by Frankie Carson on Oct 22, 2008 12:16:21 GMT
Two men dressed in pilot's uniforms walk up the aisle of the airplane. Both are wearing dark glasses, one is using a guide dog, and the other is tapping his way along the aisle with a cane. Nervous laughter spreads through the cabin, but the men enter the cockpit, the door closes, and the engines start up. The passengers begin glancing nervously around, searching for some sign that this is just a little practical joke. None is forthcoming. The plane moves faster and faster down the runway, and the people sitting in the window seats realize they're headed straight for the water at the edge of the airport territory. As it begins to look as though the plane will plough into the water, panicked screams fill the cabin. At that moment, the plane lifts smoothly into the air. The passengers relax and laugh a little sheepishly, and soon all retreat into their magazines, secure in the knowledge that the plane is in good hands. In the cockpit, one of the blind pilots turns to the other and says, "You know Bob, one of these days, they're gonna scream too late and we're all gonna die." .... It's the way I tell 'em .
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