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Post by ConnellD on Oct 24, 2008 9:29:55 GMT
Bob , a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV
The 10:00 PM news was coming on
The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Bob and said, 'Do you think he'll jump?' Bob says, 'You know, I bet he'll jump.' The blonde replied, 'Well, I bet he won't.' Bob placed a £20 note on the bar and said, 'You're on!'
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her £20 to Bob , saying, Fair's fair. Here's your money.' Bob replied, 'I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news and so I knew he would jump.'....... The blonde replied, 'I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again.'
Bob took the money....
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Post by ConnellD on Nov 6, 2008 12:12:49 GMT
COUNSELLING SESSION
Lesley and her husband Barry went for counseling after 37 years of marriage.
When asked what the problem was, Lesley went into a passionate, painful tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the 37 years they had been married.
She went on and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured over the course of their marriage.
Finally, after allowing this to go on for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and, after asking Lesley to stand, unbuttoned her blouse, embraced her, put his hands on her breasts, and kissed her passionately as her husband Barry watched with a raised eyebrow.
Lesley shut up, buttoned up her blouse, and quietly sat down as though in a daze.
The therapist turned to Barry and said, 'This is what your wife needs at least three times a week. Can you do this?'
Barry thought for a moment and replied, 'Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I play golf.' Can you pick her up?!
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Post by Trinny on Nov 17, 2008 12:05:53 GMT
A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. 'My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?' 'Well,' says the vet, 'let's have a look at him' So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says, 'I'm going to have to put him down.' 'What!? Because he's cross-eyed!? ''No, because he's really heavy'.
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Tim
Full Member
Posts: 145
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Post by Tim on Nov 18, 2008 15:00:17 GMT
I rather liked this one (nicked and adapted from the Fell Runners forum).
A well known clairvoyant was doing a talk on the supernatural at a hill running club’s annual dinner, and one of the sub-topics in which she specialised concerned the types of relationship which are sometimes struck up between living humans and the spectres which come to haunt their dwellings. She went on to describe how what was at first casual communication often developed into quite a deep relationship – sometimes even entering a kind of sexual phase. In order to draw the audience into the talk she elicited contributions, asking if anybody in the room had ever had a relationship of any kind with a ghost.
Slowly a chap at the back, an ultra-distance runner not normally known to be very chatty, raised his hand. The speaker asked him if the ghost in question had been an ancestor or a person who had been previously associated with his family.
“Oh! Sorry,” replied the runner, “I thought you said goat.”
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Post by Connell D on Nov 18, 2008 22:44:49 GMT
A man walks into a shop and asks for a loaf of bread The shopkeeper asks if he would like a pan loaf or a plain loaf The man replied it doesn't matter because i've got my bike with me
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Post by Killie Buoy on Nov 18, 2008 23:18:13 GMT
Two teenagers get back from a night in the pub, the girl says to the lad "do you fancy coming inside for a coffee" (nudge nudge wink wink). They go inside and the girls parents are upstairs in bed so the sit on the sofa and start to play around. After a bit, just as she was getting really into it the lad says "I've got to go to the toilet". She says "no you cant you'll wake my mum and dad. They get back down to it and 5 mins later the lad says again, "I really must go to the toilet", again she says "you'll wake my parents". After a few more minutes of serious touching he says " I really have to go", so she says "ok, can you go in the kitchen sink" The lad has a quick think and says "sure no probs. He vanishes into the kitchen and a few mins later she hears a voice whispering from the kitchen "have you got any toilet paper"
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Post by Turtle Tom on Nov 18, 2008 23:46:20 GMT
A fire engine was out on a call when it passed the Troon Tortoises who were out running. As it sped past with its lights and siren on the Troon lads gave chase waving their arms and shouting stop at the fire engine. The fire crew upped the pace but only a few tortoises couldn't keep up so they put their foot down even more.This time they managed to get away from all but 2 Troon runners so again they upped their speed with their siren wailing and lights flashing. One Tortoise managed to keep,still waiving his arms and shouting stop so the fire crew decided they better stop to see what he wanted.As the out of breath runner approached the fire crew he said "can i have two cones and a wafer please"
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Post by StandNTan Athlete on Nov 19, 2008 9:37:29 GMT
Q. Where does Kylie Minogue get her kebabs? A. Jason's Doner van
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Post by Daniel Craig on Dec 23, 2008 15:07:03 GMT
I went to a Roger Moore convention dressed as Sean Connery.
I don't think I was very popular, there were a lot of raised eyebrows.
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grawup
Full Member
A lifetime of running in Scottish weather does nothing for the complexion
Posts: 125
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Post by grawup on Dec 23, 2008 18:27:43 GMT
I went to a Roger Moore convention dressed as Sean Connery. I don't think I was very popular, there were a lot of raised eyebrows. As someone who has followed this thread from start to finish, this one MUST be the worst. DC, hang your head in shame - or just hang yourself (whichever comes first). What does everyone else think
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Daniel Ronseal Craig
Guest
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Post by Daniel Ronseal Craig on Dec 23, 2008 21:16:48 GMT
Oh No Grawup I've told the worst joke on a thread called "Worlds Worst Jokes ...". What was I thinking of? My joke did what it says on the tin. It's the people who posted funny jokes that should hang there head in shame ;D. DC
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grawup
Full Member
A lifetime of running in Scottish weather does nothing for the complexion
Posts: 125
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Post by grawup on Dec 23, 2008 21:53:46 GMT
Oh No Grawup I've told the worst joke on a thread called "Worlds Worst Jokes ...". What was I thinking of? My joke did what it says on the tin. It's the people who posted funny jokes that should hang there head in shame ;D. DC Trinny?? Is that you?? You gender bending rag-bag name changing excuse for a head banging body morphing shell cracked Tortoise?? .....or is it someone totally different??
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Daniel Rocky007Seaforth Craig
Guest
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Post by Daniel Rocky007Seaforth Craig on Dec 23, 2008 22:18:23 GMT
Oh No Grawup I've told the worst joke on a thread called "Worlds Worst Jokes ...". What was I thinking of? My joke did what it says on the tin. It's the people who posted funny jokes that should hang there head in shame ;D. DC Trinny?? Is that you?? You gender bending rag-bag name changing excuse for a head banging body morphing shell cracked Tortoise?? .....or is it someone totally different?? Sorry Grawup, You must be mistaken, the names bond ... and not Trinny Bond! I stopped calling myself "You gender bending rag-bag name changing excuse for a head banging body morphing shell cracked Tortoise" a long time ago ;D. Cheers, Pierce-d ears, Rocky007Seaforth
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Post by Mr Snow on Dec 24, 2008 12:39:35 GMT
How do snowmen get around?
They ride icicles
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Post by Puss in Boots on Dec 24, 2008 12:46:38 GMT
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas?
Sandy Claws!
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