Worlds Worst Jokes ...

[Xmas Fairy]

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinselitis

[Frankie Carson]

A man wears a pair of ladies knickers on his head and started singing songs

They were Carols

[Christmas Cracker Carson]

What do you call a train filled with toffee?

A chew chew train

Its a christmas cracker


What do you call a horse wearing pyjamas?

A zebra

Its the way i tell em,
its a christmas cracker

[rambo007irvine]

Just got this emailed to me! bit on the long side though ;D


A little boy goes to his dad and asks, 'What is Politics?'

Dad says, 'Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I am the head of the family , so call me The President.

Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her the Government.

We are here to take care of your needs, so we will call you the People.


The nanny , we will consider her the Working Class.

And your baby brother, we will call him the Future.

Now think about that and see if it makes sense.

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said.

Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him.

He finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper.

So the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother asleep.
Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny.
He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy say's to his father, 'Dad, I think I understand the concept of politics now.'

The father says, 'Good, son, tell me in your own words what you think politics is all about.'

The little boy replies, 'The President is screwing the Working Class while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored and the Future is in deep Sh*t

[grawup]

The shame of it.... I heard this on the Fred McAuley programme on Radio Scotland -


Guy walks into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his groin

Barman says, “You’ve got a steering wheel attached to your groin!”

Guy says, Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”

[Daniel Craig]

Jan 2, 2009 17:47:24 GMT grawup said:

The shame of it.... I heard this on the Fred McAuley programme on Radio Scotland -


Guy walks into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his groin

Barman says, “You’ve got a steering wheel attached to your groin!”

Guy says, Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”

Ah, Grawup, I've been expecting you.

What's that joke Licenced to Kill?

And you talk about me . I am shaken, but not stirred .

[grawup]

Jan 2, 2009 19:46:52 GMT @Daniel Craig said:

Jan 2, 2009 17:47:24 GMT grawup said:

The shame of it.... I heard this on the Fred McAuley programme on Radio Scotland -


Guy walks into a pub with a steering wheel attached to his groin

Barman says, “You’ve got a steering wheel attached to your groin!”

Guy says, Aye, it’s driving me nuts.”

Ah, Grawup, I've been expecting you.

What's that joke Licenced to Kill?

And you talk about me . I am shaken, but not stirred .

TRINNY........... I HATE YOU

HMMMMM .......... WHOEVER YOU ARE ;D

[Jimmy Carr]

Hi Everyone, for anyone who hasn't been on this planet for the past 12 months, My name is Jimmy Carr.

Yes Grawup, Daniel Craig and Trinny are really the same person . And who said the Scottish Education system was flawed .

I met Trinny and Susannah at an award Ceremony. I liked Trinny but I'm not so sure about Susannah. They both came over to me to introduce themselves. I then told them they were "like buses". Susannah said "What? Because you wait for one of us for ages and then we both come along at once." I said "No, they were like buses!" Susannah then accused me of being "Fattest". I then pointed to a mirror on the wall and said "No, your fattest!!!"

Daniel Craig was at the same award ceremony. I went up to him to introduce himself and he just walked away. Does he not know he's made a career in films based on my life .

Anyway, I need to go now. Well I don't really "need" to go, I just want to ;D.

[Jimmy Carr]

This jokes almost 3 weeks late but it fit's the thread:-

A Russian couple walks down a street in Moscow when the man feels a drop hit his nose.

"I think it's raining," he says to his wife.

"No, that feels like snow to me, dear," she replies.

Just then, a minor communist party official walks towards them.

"Let's not fight about it," the man says. "Let's ask Comrade Rudolph whether it's officially raining or snowing."

"It's raining, of course" Comrade Rudolph says and walks on.

But the woman insists, "I know that felt like snow."

To which the man quietly says, "Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear."

[Frankie Boyle]

An American decided to write a book about famous churches around the world. He bought a plane ticket and took a trip to Orlando, thinking that he would start by working his way across the USA from South to North. On his first day he was inside a church taking photographs when he noticed a golden telephone mounted on the wall with a sign that read '$10,000 per call'.

The American, being intrigued, asked a priest who was strolling by what the telephone was used for. The priest replied that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 you could talk to God. The American thanked the priest and went along his way.

Next stop was in Atlanta. There, at a very large cathedral, he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same sign under it. He wondered if this was the same kind of telephone he saw in Orlando and he asked a nearby nun what its purpose was. She told him that it was a direct line to heaven and that for $10,000 he could talk to God. 'O.K., thank you,' said the American.

He then travelled all across America, Africa, England, Japan and New Zealand. In every church he saw the same looking golden telephone with the same '$US10 000 per call' sign under it.

The American decided to travel to Scotland to see if Scots had the same phone. He arrived in Scotland and again, in the first church he entered, there was the same looking golden telephone, but this time the sign under it read '40 pence per call.'

The American was surprised so he asked the priest about the sign. 'Father, I've travelled all over the world and I've seen this same golden telephone in many churches. I'm told that it is a direct line to Heaven, but in all of them price was $10,000 per call. Why is it so cheap here?' The priest smiled and answered, 'You're in Scotland now, son - it's a local call'.

[Frankie Carson]

Two men are in a pub one of them is complaining that his wife has put on a lot of weight in the last year.
The other guy says to tell her to go out and run 3miles in the morning and 3miles in the evening for a week.

"Oh will that help"?


"No but the fat bitch will be 42miles away "

[Frankie Carson]

A small girl sits on her papa's knee and asks him if he can make the noise of a frog

"No" he replies "Why?"

"Because i heard my mum say we would go to Disneyland when you croak it!"



ITS A CRACKER


ITS THE WAY I TELL EM

[Jimmy Carr]

My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...

My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."

My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".

[Jimmy Carr]

This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounded like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, its true!!!!! (apparently...)
John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitchhiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door.. only to realize there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't on. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of no where through the window and turned the wheel. John, paralyzed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it. Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realized he was crying and....wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Lookingaround, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... "Look Paddy.....there's that f*king idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!!!!"

[Daniel Craig]

I walked into the bar the other day, dress up like James Bond, and took a seat next to a very attractive woman. I gave her a quick glance and then casually looked at my watch for a moment.

The woman noticed this and asked,

"Is your date running late?"

"No", I replied, "I am here alone. Q has just given me this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

"It uses alpha waves to telepathically talk to me," I explained.

"What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties..."

The woman giggled and replied, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

I then tap, tapped my watch,

..
.......
...............
...........................
.............................................

and said "d**n thing must be an hour fast".